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Ian – Claude Littner’s motorbike minder? David Mitchell’s fried egg mate? Jordan Stephens’ howler?

Ian – Claude Littner’s motorbike minder? David Mitchell’s fried egg mate? Jordan Stephens’ howler?


Please welcome this week’s
special guest, Ian. So, Claude, what is Ian to you? – Well, this is Ian and he’s keeping
my motorbike in his shed, and my wife doesn’t know that I’ve
actually got a motorbike. – Jordan, how do you know Ian? – This is Ian, we used to regularly
drive to a field together and howl at the moon. – And, David, what is your
relationship with Ian? – This is Ian, he is the taxi driver
who cooked me a fried egg sandwich on the engine
of his car. – So there we have it. Lee, where do
you want to start? – Well, we could do with one more,
cos none of them are sounding very convincing. So, Jordan, why would you bark at
the moon? – Because full moon, you know, like,
it’s what you do. – Oh, so, you were doing it…
– No, no, no, you don’t. – You would only do the full moon? – Yeah, it would be a full moon.
– Where would you do this? – Um, a field. – How old were you? – Four. My mum was there and some of her
friends. – How old are you?
– I’m 25. – And do you know how old he is? – Uh…
– Roughly? I notice you had to glance there,
Jordan, just to check.
– 40? – So he’s 15 years older than you,
so when you were four, he was 19, right? What’s your relationship with this
man? – He’s, like, my mum’s mate. – He’s your mum’s friend, and so
your mum would howl at the moon? – Yeah.
– Why? – Yeah, my mum loves the moon, in
fact. – It sounds like you all love the
moon. – Yeah. My mum’s name’s actually
Emmaluna, because she likes the moon. – Right. – Hang on, what? She changed her
name to that? – Yeah, I think she was called
Emmelina. – And what’s his name? – Um, well, Ian…
– Do you want a minute to think? – It’s Ian Howell.
– Ian Howell?
– Ian Howell?
– Yeah. – Ian Howell and Emmaluna. And did you have a moon associated
name at that time? – I wanted one.
– But you weren’t old enough to get
your moon name. – You hadn’t earned your moon name.
– Yeah. – They just kept calling you sun. “You’re not ready yet, son.” How many people were in the field
howling at the moon? – I don’t know, it was dark. – How long are you doing this? How long are you howling at the moon
for? Were you there all night? – How long for?
– Yeah.
– Just until we felt better. – Better? What was up with you? – It’s very… No, it’s very
therapeutic howling at the moon. – But, yeah, therapy for what? What
was up with you? – Well, you know, the month gets a
bit like, “Oh.”
– Yeah. You look at your hands, they’ve gone
really hairy.
– Yeah. Yes. – We’d better howl at the moon. – But I had a, you know, quite a
hippie upbringing, you know. I was just getting at one with
nature. – So it’s getting at one with
nature, it was a bit of a hippie… – Feeling the energy. We just had a thunder moon,
actually, very powerful. – You’ve just had one?
– Yeah, recently.
– We have just had one.
– Yeah, we did. – I haven’t personally had a thunder
moon. – What’s a thunder moon?
– It’s not, like, a dish. “I had thunder moon last night, it
was fantastic.” – I had curry last night, I had
thunder moon this morning. – All right, who else would you like
to question? Claude, why don’t you remind us
of… – Sorry, Claude, yes.
– ..how you know Ian? – Well, I know Ian because I first
met him about a year ago.
– Yeah. – And he came to fix a leak in my
house. In the course of conversation, he
said that he’s got a motorbike, and actually I’ve always wanted a
motorbike. – Right, have you never owned one
before?
– No, I haven’t.
– OK.
– No. – So you’ve never ridden one? – I probably have on holiday, but
not really.
– All right. – What bike is it?
– What bike have I actually bought?
– Yeah. – Well, I’m glad you’ve asked me
that. It’s called… I don’t know how
familiar you are with bikes? – Very familiar.
– Well, let’s assume he is.
– OK. It’s called a Fat Boy.
– Oh, good.
– Fat Boy? – It’s a Harley Davidson. – And when did you take your test? – No, I haven’t taken the test.
That’s why the bike’s in his shed. – Because you can’t drive it?
– Not yet, but I can start it up. – So you bought… Why haven’t you told your wife? – I don’t think she’d approve. – Well, do you think this is not
going to give it away a bit on national television? – Look, sooner or later the truth
must out and I’ve chosen tonight. – You’ve got a Harley Davidson that
you’re just happy not to ride around.
– Well, I’m not happy, I’m not happy
about it. It’s more of a status symbol, do you
know what I mean? I’ve got a Harley.
– It’s only a status symbol if it’s outside the shed and you’re sat on
it. It’s not a status symbol if it’s in
someone’s shed and no-one sees it. You might as well have bought a
rake. And you go and visit the bike?
– I do.
– To have a look at it? – Well, what I do is I tell my wife
I’m going on a business meeting and that gives me a few hours of
leeway and I go to the shed. – And what do you do?
– Start up the bike. Feel the throbbing. – What do you think your wife’s
going to say when she’s watching this programme,
apart from, “Why did you go on that?” – Well, the thing is that actually
she’s in the audience now, so it’s even worse than…
– She’s here tonight?
– She is. – Well, this’ll be nice for her to
find out. How much did you pay for it?
– Well, the thing is I’m glad… The list price was around £17,500. I said that quickly, so it doesn’t
kind of get too much… – And how much did you pay, darling? – I paid a shade under 15 grand,
which I think you’ll find is a very good price. – Why did they give you 2,500 grand
off? Cos you’re clearly a rich… – Cos that’s the way I do deals. – You’re just good at doing deals? – Yeah. That’s the way I roll. – Now, when you do come to ride this
bike, what will your attire be? Will you be wearing leathers?
– Yes, I’ve already bought my
leathers. – You wear the leathers when you go
to look at it?
– Yeah. – You don’t!
– I do. But the thing is with me, it’s just that I just wanted to have
the wind in my hair. – All right, what about David? – Remind us again, please, David. – This is Ian, he’s the taxi driver
who cooked me a fried egg sandwich on the engine
of his car. – And where were you going from and
to? – I was going from a holiday home in
the west country in Cornwall. – Your holiday home? – No, I temporarily had legal access
to the holiday home. It’s quite a common… I don’t know
what the name of it in contract law would
be, but it’s like when you go on holiday to a holiday
home and it’s not your holiday home, but you’re allowed to
be there for a bit if you give them money.
– It’s called a rental.
– Rental! – You’re at a rental home. – And then I was leaving it to go to
a railway station. – What station was it? – Bodmin Parkway. – You definitely started the word
Bodmin not knowing how that was going to end. Bodmin Parkway.
– And he drove you to Bodmin
Parkway?
– Yes. – And when did the fried egg, when
did that come out in conversation? – Yeah.
– When we’d arrived at Bodmin.
– You’d already arrived? – Didn’t you have a train to catch? – Yes, but the train…
– Yes? – ..had been cancelled.
– Ah. – Why? Why was it cancelled? – I can’t remember, but it does
sometimes. Believe me, that can happen. – Could he not just drive you into
Bodmin and find a cafe and go to a cafe? – I think he’s proud of his egg on
engine cooking skills. – How did he do it? Do you have a frying pan on the
engine?
– No.
– What happened? – Aluminium foil. – So he has this with him…
– Just cracked it in. – Oh, he didn’t have any of this
with him. No, no, he mimed it. – And where did he find the egg? – He had it in the car.
– He had an egg in the car? – Oh, that’s weird.
– I’ll tell you what, he didn’t just
have one egg, he had, I think, I would estimate
between three and six. – Where did he keep these eggs in
the car?
– Yeah.
– In an egg box. – No, but where was the egg box? Was
it in the boot? – No, I think it was in a bag in the
boot. – A bag in the boot. – Boot, bag, egg box, eggshell, white, yolk. – You forgot an egg for a minute. – For a man like you, David, it
seems socially awkward to be standing round the engine with a bit
of tinfoil and… – But isn’t that more reason that it
happened? Any normal people like us would just
go, “You’re all right, mate,” and walk off.
– Yeah. – David, he’s stood there, “Well, I
suppose I’d better forget “the train and just have an egg
sandwich.” – Forget the train! I’m waiting. I’ve got to wait there an hour. Yeah, I’m not trying to sort of
forge a new life with Ian at Bodmin Parkway car park. Oh, we’ve got four eggs, that’ll see
us through the next day or two. – So, we need an answer. Lee’s team,
is Ian Claude’s motorbike minder, Jordan’s moonlight mate, or David’s
fried egg friend? – What I don’t like about David’s
story is the idea that there was another – I
live in the south-west – that there was another train in an
hour, they’re not that frequent. – Really? Are they like once a day? – There’s like three trains on that
line from Bodmin. – You’ve been done. Wow.
– OK, what about Claude and the
motorbike? – The idea that he wouldn’t tell his
wife that he’s bought a motorbike, I
actually do buy, I buy that bit. The bit I don’t buy is that he
chooses a light entertainment show that’s been nominated for three
BAFTAs – we’ve never won – to tell everybody, mainly his wife,
that that is what he’s done. – All right, now what about Jordan
and howling at the moon? – I’m liking this story. – I still don’t know why. He said
it’s to make him feel better, but… – No, I had hippie parents and I had
to do a lot of weird stuff. – What did you have to do? – Oh, we had to go and sit in
circles and chant and shout, in like communes in Scotland. Yeah. So I had to weird stuff like that. – Am I the only one that we all had
to go shop lifting at Threshers? – I’m thinking Jordan.
– OK, we’ll go… Shall we go for
Jordan? – You’re going for Jordan? – Or it could be Claude, look at his
little eyes. It was just as I said Jordan then,
you were about to turn, Claude literally, like the evil man
with the white cat. He literally went, “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” Just because of the menacing evil
smile, I think we should change to Claude.
– You’re going to go with Claude? – Claude, the smile of victory.
– All right. Ian, please reveal your true
identity. – I’m Ian, and Jordan and I used to
howl at the moon.
– Ah! – HE HOWLS – Is he called Ian Howell? And were you called Ian Howell
before you were howling at the moon or did you
change your name? – Yes, I was always called Ian
Howell. – I knew it, weird hippie stuff. – Let’s hear the howl. THEY HOWL Yes, Ian is Jordan’s moonlight mate. Thank you very much, Ian. Thank you.

56 comments on “Ian – Claude Littner’s motorbike minder? David Mitchell’s fried egg mate? Jordan Stephens’ howler?

  1. The look on Lee’s face at 10:47 says, “I didn’t think it could get any stranger than Bob Mortimer’s stories.”

  2. sincerely; thank you for taking the time to put these up. I live in the US and our cable tv is absolute trash.. I always look forward to your uploads

  3. I would've said Claude because he described Harley riders perfectly; all show and no go 🙂 garage queens. But howling at the moon, what the actual fuck

  4. He says he's going on a "Business Meeting", it sounds like he's having an affair with it HAHA.
    A bit under £15,000 to keep the bike in a shed. BARGAIN 😛

    Yes in Claus's was 100% implausible.

  5. being crazy myself I actually believes Jordan. He sounds so passionate about releasing negativity – something relatable to me. P.S: I do howl – but alone!

  6. I knew it was Jordan, my parents are hippies, we'd go out in the park, communicate/hug with trees and spend hours on alternative markets and biological farms to buy groceries (and occasionally chase the animals.)
    Edit: Í chased the animals as a kid, not my parents. They tried telling me to respect the chickens privacy and space.

  7. Does anyone else wonder if Mr. Littner's wife actually thought for a while that his story was true and that he had actually been hiding the motorbike from her?

  8. Anyone who knows Jewish Women would know that they would NEVER let their Men ride bikes without their knowledge OR PERMISSION ! LOL

    If Claude had that secret he would never hear the end of it. I have worked with many Jewish people in Finanve for the last 45 years.

  9. Is howling at the moon to release negative energies along the same path as believing good vibes from “healing crystals” can cure illnesses? It sounds like the same insanity.

  10. 'A light entertainment show, we've been nominated for 3 BAFTA's, WE'VE never won.' Yes Lee but YOU have now.

  11. Do the special guests know each of the stories that are going to be told beforehand? (The lies not the true story) I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face if I heard a crazy story I was allegedly part of!

  12. 8:48 factually incorrect, i get a train every weekend on that line and they are roughly once every hour. sometimes they’ll be half an hours, other times they’ll be 2 hours apart. but usually there is 1 hour between them. and there is certainly not ‘3 a day’. i am angry, i am disappointed, and i feel betrayed

  13. I already watched this a while back and I remembered that it was him, but as I was re-watching this I simply could not believe it. I actually thought it was David!

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